Wanting Something but Not Getting It

You know when you like someone and you do everything you can (discreetly) to see him/her?

Like remembering when he/she goes to this place routinely and you “just so happen” to be there at that time.

Well, I am going through that.
But, this person I like…?
It’s not the kind of ‘like’ where I have the hots for him.
It’s more like I want to get to know this person as friends.
I want him and I to be good friends where we can joke around and chat.

To make this situation a little more complicated, he is in my university. And he’s not a student. Nor a lecturer (puh-lease…).

He works there but as a staff. He’s got such a great personality, pretty good humour and just nice person to be around.
I just want to be able to talk with him and get to know him and for him to get to know me.
All I ask for is to be good friends.
If anything more happens, that’ll be great. An added bonus.
Though…
It’d be reaaally odd if we got together. Not for me, because I’m fine with it, but for everyone else around us.
Which are his colleagues and other students we know.
First, because of age. We’re not thaaat much far apart. Less than a 10 year gap as far as I know. But the fact is, he’s a staff, I’m a student.
Second, boundaries. I deal with them (staff) a lot because I am involved with activities and events around campus and they are in charge of the events that happens. If we were together, people (being people) will assume I get a free pass in everything.

As of right now, whenever we meet each other on campus, we’d say hi and a tiny little chit chat if anything. Sometimes, I do have to go to him as he deals with the activities and I am involved.

There was one weekend on the week before, a couple of students and the whole staff got together  for a retreat/camp at a venue. It was a very seminar-like camp where it was very much emphasizing on the bonding of us selected students and the staff so that we all could improve performance on campus. He was there, and I guess after spending 3 days and 2 nights as a getaway over there and seeing him a lot, returning back to reality was such a bummer. Thus, it explains my situation right now. This thing I’m going through started before the camp, but the camp probably amplified it.

 

But from my point of view, he doesn’t know that I think of him of this way. He probably doesn’t even feel the same way I feel about him. If nothing works out between us, not even being close friends, I know I’ll get over him with time. I’ll forget about him and find someone new to obsess with soon enough.

As of now though, I’m trying to do things just so I could see and talk to him more.

Wishful Thinking

This has been bugging my mind for the past couple of days.

Am I am a little more mature for my age or am I just way in too over my head?

I seem to like conversing with people who are much older than I am than the people I always hang out with, which are around my age. When I say much older, I mean like more than 5 years of age, even more than 10  years of age. Sure, I like the company of my close friends that I hang out with in my university but really, I actually like the conversations I had with much older people. For example, I am involved in organizing activities in my universities so I deal with the staff working there and these people are like late twenties and even thirties, when I am barely twenty. I actually look forward to going to the office and getting my stuff there done and conversing with whoever there.

The people I hang out with are kind of… I hate to say it, but the word that describes it best is… boring. Of course, when I want to fool around and make stupid jokes, they’re the best people to go to. I love having a good laugh with them. For me, I can’t  all be about laughs and jokes. I need some reality-seriousness and work to ground me back. That’s where the ‘much older’ people come in.

Referring back to my two month internship (again), people there are my ‘serious’ side people and that’s where I believe I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have fun. I am not the depressed workaholic that doesn’t like happiness. Believe me when I say that when given the opportunity to let my hair down and do some crazy stuff, I will do it. However, in all the fun I also need the same amount of serious work to balance me out. Just like how yin needs yang and yang needs yin.
(yikes, that sounded cliche)

The reason why I keep referring my two month internship and why I treasure it so much was that I learnt so much. Not only in knowledge in that field, but of myself. I learnt that I fit in more with older people (I am sorry to call them ‘old’), and I am not all fun and jokes only.

Then there’s the part of me liking older men too.
(gosh, I sound like a girl who likes old perverted men.)
I guess it really shows in my love for Nathan Fillion. Come on, he’s 42 and I love him so goddamn much. I do not care that he is twice my age, I’d marry him. :D

I have also met some really nice people  throughout my daily routines of life and they just happen to be ‘much older’ men. Of which, if I were to date them I’d get hateful-judging and disapproving stares although I do not mind the age. Honestly, at these times I’d sigh to myself, wishing that I were older, in their age range. Or that they were younger, in my age range.

Sigh…

 

Almost Getting Ripped Off

I don’t know if it was a case of pure mistake of one’s doing or a very smartly crafted way of ripping customers off.

As of now, I will treat it as an (almost) perfect con.

Yesterday (Saturday), I went over to Chawan at Jalan Telawi, Bangsar for lunch with some family members. There was 9 of us in total and we took over three tables. Yes, we were probably the largest group there at that time. I find their Nasi Lemak Sambal Sotong pretty good, and I have eaten a whole lotta sambal sotong over the years. Their iced coffee there is also strong and full of flavour, albeit the higher than usual price of kopi ais (Iced coffee) elsewhere. Then again, it’s gotta be the area. Bangsar Telawi is pretty happening for your go-to food area in KL.

Since there was a large group of us and with a food and drink each, the bill was bound to be a large sum, no doubt about that.  After a almost two hours of sitting, eating and chatting, we called for the bill. An aunt passed it to me while she digs for money in her purse and told me to check it. To my surprise, I found a plate of keropok (crackers) in the bill that I don’t remember seeing anyone eating. At first, I thought it was a mistake by the waiter who accidentally keyed it in. Then my other family members asked me to run through the whole list for anymore mistakes. I found three more.

In total, we were charged of three extra drinks and an extra snack. It came up to an extra RM21. I was shocked that a “mistake” could be so big! At that point, the whole table knew they (the waiter/restaurant) was taking the opportunity to rip us off, just because we were a large group and usually, large groups of people do not check the bill as there was too much items to check for.

Now, usually we don’t check the bill too thorough but after finding one extra item, we tend to check through everything. I reaaaally hope this was an honest mistake, and not them doing this to every large group that comes in for a meal, because I like eating there.

If this ever happened to anyone out there at the same place (Chawan, 69 Jalan Telawi 3, Bangsar Baru, 59100 Kuala Lumpur, Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), do let me know. Because if someone else out there had this happened then all is revealed.

Songs for Memories

Listening to a song that I like will most probably bring back memories of my own, whether it is someone, something or some part of my life. I guess we all tend to associate a certain song we like to listen to, to that period of time of our life. When I hear a ‘80s or a ‘90s song that I have heard of before, I tend to reminisce about when I was just a child sitting at the back seat of the car while the radio plays that song. Yes, I was only born in ’94 which is way after those songs were at their prime time but I have parents that would tune to this specific radio channel that plays ‘old’ songs. At that age of being ten years or younger, I would groan and grumble about how ‘old’ these songs were. Then I would ask to change the radio channel to something more recent. The “Hot Hits Today” aka the Boyband Era. Mind you, this was in the years 2000-2004. I would want my Westlife, Blue, Backstreet Boys, N’SYNC and Boyzone, not my mom’s favourite Air Supply, Chicago, Neil Diamond, Simply Red and Eagles.

Now whenever these ‘old’ songs would play, I’d be “HEY I KNOW THAT SONG!” I would even sing along to the chorus subconsciously because those words were already imprinted deep inside my brain from the countless time I’ve listened to them in the car. And you know what, I love those songs now. I’ve grown up with those songs and I’ve grown to love them, as corny as those lyrics were. There’s just something with those high falsettos that Air Supply and Chicago has, because if you ask me now, those two bands are my favourite ‘80s band. I’m all out of love…I’m so lost without youuuu….

Then there are songs which I used to love so very much, until I have associated it with a particular someone and that someone and I aren’t that close anymore. I used to loooove Lifehouse’s Fallin’ In. Then I had subconsciously it associated it with this crush I had because while I was crazy about him, the radio played it so much at that time and it has described my situation so perfectly. Then we didn’t work out and now when I hear that song, it brings me back to thinking about him. At first it hurt but now, I’m learning to love that song again because I’ve moved on from him.

After that, there’s my douchebag ex which you probably read about in my previous posts. He loved Zedd and Hayley William’s Stay the Night. I was alright with it, it’s a nice, catchy song and it was played everywhere at that time. Now when I hear it, I think of him and I instantly hate that song. Although I liked the song, I cannot listen to it. It went the same for a few of other Zedd’s songs. It’s such a shame because I like Zedd. One day, I shall get over it and be able to enjoy that song like I did with Fallin’ In.

Onto happier times now, during my internship last year, I really enjoyed myself. You can read all about that here. So there’s this one colleague who’s really fun and nice and he introduced to me Matt Kearney’s Ships in the Night. I loved it the first time I heard it, such a beautiful song. Now when it plays on my Spotify playlist, I think of him and my internship. During those two months, I got along well with the rest of the department and I’ve come to known of some of their songs they randomly sang in the office and partied to during the annual dinner. Those songs were Danza Kudoro  by Lucenzo and Don Lore V as well as Bara Bara Bere Bere by Michel Telo. These two songs remind me of those two months. I also was talking to this senior positioned manager and as they were karaoke-ing, Bob Dylan’s Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door came on and he told me that’s his favourite song and after having a couple of drinks he started dancing and singing along to the song. It was a fun night and I now associate that song to him.

I could go on and on about how each song I know or like represent a memory in my life, but these are the ones that I happened to be listening currently. Songs can bring you back in time. :)

Drive

In about 36 hours from now, I’d be sitting nervously in a tiny car awaiting my turn to prove to a couple of guys of my skills to drive on the actual roads of Malaysia.

Over the past one and a half months, I have been going for driving lessons and taking the necessary courses and tests to obtain my driver’s license.
To be honest, I am pretty nervous.
More nervous than I am for my final exams, which ended a week ago.

Now, Malaysia has its fame for one of the craziest road rage and endless traffic jams everyday. Then again, I cannot assure you for myself as I’ve only ever been on Malaysian roads. I’m actually feeling the pressure right now.
I. Am. Scared.

In order to get your license in this country, you have to attend a crash course on the rules and laws of the roads here and take a computerized test on it. Passing score is 42 out of 50 objective questions. I managed to score a 49, which I am very happy of. But that wasn’t my concern. I have had about 10 hours of practice on the road with my driving instructor but I feel as if I am still unprepared.

For the driving exam itself, you will be tested on four parts; the hill, parallel parking, three point turn and on the road driving.
The hill part is having to drive uphill and stopping the car exactly where it is marked on the hill, pull up the handbrake and release the brake pedal. Then after being cleared by the officer, you move on ahead.
My concern here is that I fear I may not be able to stop exactly where I’m supposed to. My practices mostly ended up with me stopping too early.

Parallel parking is to reverse into a slot within five minutes. Most of my practices, I managed to get it in within the time frame. However, a couple of times I’d misjudged my estimation and ending up over the line.
I’m afraid I might accidentally misjudge and hit the line at the back. If the back tyres touch the line behind, it will be considered as a fail, even if you are not done adjusting the car… :/

Three point turn is fine for me. As long as I go slow. Like reeaalllyy slooowwww. Hahahah.
Apparently, when doing this turn, the car mustn’t stop at all. It must be continuously moving or else it will be considered a four point turn.

The on-the-road part is having to drive out onto the actual roads with other road users (who are waaaayyy qualified than us) with an officer next to you. You would be driving a specific route and following the road signs out there. Also, the officer would judge your judgement you make when dealing with other cars. I just hope the other drivers I will be driving alongside me to be kind and nice to this learning driver taking her exam D:

So yeah, I am turning 20 this year and I am juuuust taking my driver’s license exam, although the legal age to obtain one is 17. I’m just a little late… :P Most of my friends and classmates have been driving for two years now and here I am, worrying about this two years too late to join the party.

My Bubble Tea Addiction

I feel like this is getting out of hand.
If there was an Alcoholics Anonymous version for this, I’d probably need it.
Chatime Anonymous 
probably.

I have this need to satisfy my craving for a very sweet milk tea drink with black chewy, starchy balls that tastes soooo good.
Ugh.
I want a bubble tea drink now.

My favourite bubble tea chain store is Chatime and it is AH-MAY-ZINNNNGGG.
Super sweet and super guilty but I just gotta have it!
Right now, I have a Chatime drink about once every two weeks, sometimes even once a week.
Gosh, I need help, don’t I?
I’m gonna end up with diabetes sooner than later :O

It’ll probably drain my wallet too. One cup averages to about RM6, which is just under $2.
Make that abour 3-4 times a month and I spend like RM18-RM24 a month just on my cravings!
And right now, all this talk about Chatime and I want one :/
I don’t mind other chain stores too.
I’ll take Gong Cha and Ochado too!

Well, it’s past 11pm now so I’ll have to get my fix tomorrow :P
In the meantime, here are some photos to make you (and me) hungry…

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All that yummy pearls in that yummy milk tea. *slurp*

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No, they aren’t all for me. Seriously…

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Had a candlelight pizza-chatime party with some friends. Because why not?

*For those of you who don’t know Chatime I was referring to this

 

 

 

 

The Drama Queen, That Is My Ex-Boyfriend

I would just like to take the time to comment on this issue as I have come to know of some details of my breakup recently.

So, my ex boyfriend (whom shall be referred to as Guy X), the one I’ve been talking about in a couple of my past posts here, is apparently quite the player and is such a liar as well as an all around jerk.
A lot of this information came from a friend, Guy A, whom you will get to know about his part in this story.

Guy A, a friend of mine and also a mutual friend of Guy X and I, told me that immediately after X and I broke up, X got together with another a girl, Girl B, also a friend of mine.

Now, when I had first met Guy A and Girl B, I knew they would be together sooner or later. I could see that they liked each other but haven’t committed to each other yet. Even when Guy X and I were together, he suspected that they both would be together.

Here’s the jerk part of Guy  X: he confessed his feelings for Girl B while he was still dating me!
Plus, he knew of what I had went through recently, which was finding out my very own father cheated on my mother.
So how different is he from my father?

After a very short while, Guy X and Girl B did not work out and they broke up. This prompted Guy A to confess to Girl B and now they’re together, for which I am absolutely happy for! I have no hard feelings towards Girl B at all, in fact, I was rooting for A and B to be together. Guy A told me that Girl B didn’t even love Guy X. She said yes just to give him a chance.

So now, Guy X and Guy A are pretty much hating each other because Girl B chose Guy A above all. Guy A even told me that Guy X will not give up on Girl B so that means war. I told Guy A that I’m right behind him against this cheating scumbag.

Then I came to know of his past. Which was that before me, he tried confessing his feelings to four other girls in the same classes as we all are in. Of which, two of them are now in their respective happy relationships, which meant at that time they were probably getting to know their significant other then Guy X injects himself in there but got rejected. Now, don’t I feel stupid for succumbing to him? We weren’t exclusive but man… I can’t help but feel so… used.

Not only that, recently, Guy X  has been trying to talk to me more. I feel like it’s as if that now he can’t get Girl B, he’s coming back to me. Well, I wasn’t born yesterday, you lying scum! Never in a million years will I ever be in any sort of relationship with Guy X.

It is now Guy A, Girl B and I who are good friends and then there’s Guy X, salvaging whoever he can have left. Girl B is still maintaining her friendship with Guy X but for Guy A and I, we’re just head on hating him. I hate him for cheating me, he hates him for taking his girlfriend. I still see him every weekday in classes but he’s pretty much dead to me. I see right past him when we pass by each other. I’m acting like he’s not even there. I talk to his friends but not him. It seems pretty mean of me but I do what I have to do to defend myself.

I would also like to address my ever so supportive best friends! I have this group of four girls and I and they are such amazing people to help me through this. They have been behind my back all the time and giving me the pep talk as well as bitching-about-the-ex talks I needed.

TH, SW, AK & SC,
Thank you and I love y’all!

My other group of friends, however, immediately told me that they were on my side when I had told them what happened. I didn’t even tell them to, I just told them to clear things up as Guy X had told some lie about me to one of them. Then they immediately sided me. Aww, thanks EN, TLJ, NSC, TWC!

Dammit, Anna Kendrick

I have been on an Anna Kendrick movie binge and I love it.
It all started when I suddenly had the urge to rewatched Pitch Perfect again. Then I fell in love with Anna all over again.

But damn…. Anna, I love you so much right now. I mean, I’m still true to Stana but Anna, you’re almost there.
I cannot even begin to describe this perfect little adorable human being that is Anna Kendrick.
Like, how do you exist? You’re all I want to be.
And I mean her as in the off-screen her. The real her.
Not the roles that she play in movies.

Usually I’d actually take the time to input some photos and videos of the person I am gushing about, but really, it is now 3AM plus and I just finished three Anna Kendrick movies and tons of Anna Kendrick interviews on YouTube.

Yep, I watched Up In The Air, What To Expect When You’re Expecting and Drinking Buddies. After that, I watched one YouTube interview of her, which led me to another, and another, and another. Damn you, suggestions sidebar… On the bright side, I did not know she sang at the Kennedy Center Honors. I don’t know that song she sang, but damn, that was an amazing performance. Of course, throughout the day I also kept listening to her rendition of Cups (When I’m Gone) and the Riff Off song from Pitch Perfect. Her rapping is so sexy. Like seriously.

I still have a couple of Anna Kendrick movies I WANT to watch but… I have a class tomorrow. And it’s 3 friggin AM. Where did all my time go?! I still have 50/50 to watch! And I can’t wait to watch Into The Woods! Aaahhhh I’m gonna fangirl over her in the cinemas! Like I’m gonna go full-on fangirl over my girl crush in public.

I don’t want to leave my laptop, but I don’t want to leave my bed waiting up for me either…

Oh Anna, what have you done to me?
I still love you though…

Anna, if you happen to stumble upon this, I am totally normal. I swear.
No, seriously.
Nothing’s wrong with me.
Not psychotic. At all.
Can I meet you please?
It would make my day
life

I’m Not Gay, Except For…

…these few people I look up to.

Stana Katic
Jennifer Lawrence
Anna Kendrick
Paget Brewster
Cote de Pablo
Daniela Ruah

When it comes to these six women, I just love them so very much. Sure, I love my men but I would totally go lesbian for any of these. They’re beautiful, talented and amazing in every way possible. However, what is more admirable about them is their personalities off-camera. They are already great enough on TV and movies, playing roles that you can fall in love with (Stana in Castle, Jennifer in The Hunger Games, Anna in Pitch Perfect, Paget in Criminal Minds, Cote in NCIS, Daniela in NCIS:LA) but have you seen them when they’re not acting? Just watching them in interviews, behind the scenes, on the red carpet just makes me love them even more than I possibly can. <3

Here’s my problem, I wanna marry them but I also just want them as a very good friend/big sister all at the same time. aThen again, I think I’d rather have them as a good friend, someone I can hangout with from time to time. I would imagine them to be such fun people to be around with.

I have previously written about how much I admire Stana Katic here, so to cut things short here, I’ll just say that she is amazingly gorgeous and talented as well as kind and adorable at heart. Stana can sing too! She sang Simone’s Song in the movie, The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice and her very own song during the 51st Zlin Film Festival.

001 Recycle Across America   2014 Writers Guild Awards L.A. Ceremony - Red Carpet  144 SK 

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Then there’s Jennifer Shrader Lawrence. How can anyone (man or woman), not like Jennifer. She loves food, doesn’t hold back her words and is funny. So she’s just like us normal girls but has an Oscar. She kicked ass playing Katniss and Tiffany (Silver Linings Playbook). What’s there not to love about Jennifer, I mean, just look at her…

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Anna Kendrick is my newest muse. Ever since I watched Pitch Perfect, I cannot stop gushing about her. She kind of reminds a bit of Jennifer. Anna also loves food and doesn’t hold back, by that I mean she cusses too. :D Then while watching Pitch Perfect for the second time, I realised she reminds me a little of Avril Lavigne. Don’t get me wrong, I love Avril, grew up with her songs. I guess it’s because she played Beca which is a rebellious teen with lots of eyeliner who can sing. Pretty much Avril back then :) Ah, she’s so pretty I wanna be just like her. She can sing, she can dance,  and she can act. Her rendition of “Cups (When I’m Gone)” is just so perfect. Plus she can rap too. Then she also sang live at the Kennedy Center Honours for a Shirley Maclaine tribute and it was so amazingly beautiful. Like, whoa where did that voice come from? Damn! I did a little bit of reading and found out that Anna has been acting for a loooonng time! She started when she was 13! nd now she’s 29. Gosh, how have I not have heard of her before this!

kinopoisk.ru  008 Sundance Happy Christmas  005 iHeart Radio Portraits

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Then there’s Paget Valerie Brewster. One thing, her voice. My gosh, I can listen to her voice all day. She has this unique deep yet not so deep, more like sexy deep voice. And I love, love, love her in Criminal Minds. I was devastated when she left CM, both the first and second time). The BAU team will never be the same. But, I still watch it for Matther Gray Gubler, Shemar Moore, AJ Cook and Thomas Gibson. I understand that Paget wants to leave CM to pursue other acting opportunities but the role of SSA Emily Prentiss was how I came to know of her.

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Cote de Pablo (María José de Pablo Fernández) holds a special place in my heart. She plays Agent Ziva David in NCIS and till this day I cannot believe what had happened between the TV network producing NCIS and her. I won’t spread any false accusations here, you can read about it elsewhere but I find it so unfair of the TV network to do whatever they did, I mean Cote is a HUGE part of NCIS, a main role. I do not blame Cote for leaving, I believe she did what she had to do for her own good. I’m disappointed that the network didn’t do much to get her back. Onto why I love her, Ziva (the role I fell in love with) is a tough and smart agent and damn, she can really kick your ass when she needs to. Off screen, she is just super adorable and giggly. She’s sexy and amazing. Love, love her.

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As for Daniela Sofia Korn Ruah, she’s like Cote to me. Her character on NCIS:LA, Agent Kensi Blye is also tough and smart. She is superb in NCIS:LA. She can kick your ass and still look sexy doing it. Damn. Off screen, she is a new mother to River Isaac last year, who by the way, has the same birthday as me :)

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So yeah, you can see that I love women who can be tough and still be just as gorgeous at the same time. They inspire me. I wanna just like them. I aspire to be a little bit of Stana, Jennifer, Anna, Paget, Cote and Daniela with a dash of me into it. I want their confidence, their fun personality and just all around awesomeness :)

Needing a New Distraction

I am done crying over him.
I am done missing him.
I am done thinking about him.
I am done reminiscing over our relationship.
I am moving on.

And I need someone new to muse over…

I have come to this realisation, that when I thought I was miserable without him, I was actually miserable at the lost of a companion. I realised that I don’t miss him. I only missed his company. I missed someone being there for me. I missed someone I can talk to at any time of the day (and night).
And you know what? I can find that companionship in someone else out there. Someone better, even!

I have realised that I didn’t really liked him as much as I thought I did when we had just broken up. In fact, there are so many points where we didn’t match at all. He has no goals in life as he had only wanted to finish his university degree and get a any job to survive. When we talked about future jobs, he has that anything-will-do attitude. I do not like that, honestly. I have career goals in life that I am looking forward to achieving and I am trying my best to get there. He, on the other hand, pretty much doesn’t care. I’m not saying that you must have a goal AND achieve it. If you don’t, It’s alright. As long as you’ve tried your best and gave it your all. Even if that goal seem far-fetched, at least you’re working to achieve SOMETHING.

And that is just one point.

Now, I have moved on from him. I may still hurt a tiny bit when I see him doing something he used to say/do to me to someone else or when I hear his favourite song on the radio but you know what? I don’t regret it.
I don’t regret being with him.
I don’t regret breaking up with him.
I don’t regret him hurting me.
As much as it hurts, it has brought me to this state of realisation and made me a stronger, better person.
In fact, I thank him, though I won’t admit that in his face.

And so, I am now open to new people in my life and possible new relationships.
Goodbye, ex.
(I hope when I get a new boyfriend, he gets super jealous and miss me or something)
(Not that I’m desperate for a new boyfriend or anything)