My Bubble Tea Addiction

I feel like this is getting out of hand.
If there was an Alcoholics Anonymous version for this, I’d probably need it.
Chatime Anonymous 
probably.

I have this need to satisfy my craving for a very sweet milk tea drink with black chewy, starchy balls that tastes soooo good.
Ugh.
I want a bubble tea drink now.

My favourite bubble tea chain store is Chatime and it is AH-MAY-ZINNNNGGG.
Super sweet and super guilty but I just gotta have it!
Right now, I have a Chatime drink about once every two weeks, sometimes even once a week.
Gosh, I need help, don’t I?
I’m gonna end up with diabetes sooner than later :O

It’ll probably drain my wallet too. One cup averages to about RM6, which is just under $2.
Make that abour 3-4 times a month and I spend like RM18-RM24 a month just on my cravings!
And right now, all this talk about Chatime and I want one :/
I don’t mind other chain stores too.
I’ll take Gong Cha and Ochado too!

Well, it’s past 11pm now so I’ll have to get my fix tomorrow :P
In the meantime, here are some photos to make you (and me) hungry…

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All that yummy pearls in that yummy milk tea. *slurp*

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No, they aren’t all for me. Seriously…

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Had a candlelight pizza-chatime party with some friends. Because why not?

*For those of you who don’t know Chatime I was referring to this

 

 

 

 

The Drama Queen, That Is My Ex-Boyfriend

I would just like to take the time to comment on this issue as I have come to know of some details of my breakup recently.

So, my ex boyfriend (whom shall be referred to as Guy X), the one I’ve been talking about in a couple of my past posts here, is apparently quite the player and is such a liar as well as an all around jerk.
A lot of this information came from a friend, Guy A, whom you will get to know about his part in this story.

Guy A, a friend of mine and also a mutual friend of Guy X and I, told me that immediately after X and I broke up, X got together with another a girl, Girl B, also a friend of mine.

Now, when I had first met Guy A and Girl B, I knew they would be together sooner or later. I could see that they liked each other but haven’t committed to each other yet. Even when Guy X and I were together, he suspected that they both would be together.

Here’s the jerk part of Guy  X: he confessed his feelings for Girl B while he was still dating me!
Plus, he knew of what I had went through recently, which was finding out my very own father cheated on my mother.
So how different is he from my father?

After a very short while, Guy X and Girl B did not work out and they broke up. This prompted Guy A to confess to Girl B and now they’re together, for which I am absolutely happy for! I have no hard feelings towards Girl B at all, in fact, I was rooting for A and B to be together. Guy A told me that Girl B didn’t even love Guy X. She said yes just to give him a chance.

So now, Guy X and Guy A are pretty much hating each other because Girl B chose Guy A above all. Guy A even told me that Guy X will not give up on Girl B so that means war. I told Guy A that I’m right behind him against this cheating scumbag.

Then I came to know of his past. Which was that before me, he tried confessing his feelings to four other girls in the same classes as we all are in. Of which, two of them are now in their respective happy relationships, which meant at that time they were probably getting to know their significant other then Guy X injects himself in there but got rejected. Now, don’t I feel stupid for succumbing to him? We weren’t exclusive but man… I can’t help but feel so… used.

Not only that, recently, Guy X  has been trying to talk to me more. I feel like it’s as if that now he can’t get Girl B, he’s coming back to me. Well, I wasn’t born yesterday, you lying scum! Never in a million years will I ever be in any sort of relationship with Guy X.

It is now Guy A, Girl B and I who are good friends and then there’s Guy X, salvaging whoever he can have left. Girl B is still maintaining her friendship with Guy X but for Guy A and I, we’re just head on hating him. I hate him for cheating me, he hates him for taking his girlfriend. I still see him every weekday in classes but he’s pretty much dead to me. I see right past him when we pass by each other. I’m acting like he’s not even there. I talk to his friends but not him. It seems pretty mean of me but I do what I have to do to defend myself.

I would also like to address my ever so supportive best friends! I have this group of four girls and I and they are such amazing people to help me through this. They have been behind my back all the time and giving me the pep talk as well as bitching-about-the-ex talks I needed.

TH, SW, AK & SC,
Thank you and I love y’all!

My other group of friends, however, immediately told me that they were on my side when I had told them what happened. I didn’t even tell them to, I just told them to clear things up as Guy X had told some lie about me to one of them. Then they immediately sided me. Aww, thanks EN, TLJ, NSC, TWC!

Dammit, Anna Kendrick

I have been on an Anna Kendrick movie binge and I love it.
It all started when I suddenly had the urge to rewatched Pitch Perfect again. Then I fell in love with Anna all over again.

But damn…. Anna, I love you so much right now. I mean, I’m still true to Stana but Anna, you’re almost there.
I cannot even begin to describe this perfect little adorable human being that is Anna Kendrick.
Like, how do you exist? You’re all I want to be.
And I mean her as in the off-screen her. The real her.
Not the roles that she play in movies.

Usually I’d actually take the time to input some photos and videos of the person I am gushing about, but really, it is now 3AM plus and I just finished three Anna Kendrick movies and tons of Anna Kendrick interviews on YouTube.

Yep, I watched Up In The Air, What To Expect When You’re Expecting and Drinking Buddies. After that, I watched one YouTube interview of her, which led me to another, and another, and another. Damn you, suggestions sidebar… On the bright side, I did not know she sang at the Kennedy Center Honors. I don’t know that song she sang, but damn, that was an amazing performance. Of course, throughout the day I also kept listening to her rendition of Cups (When I’m Gone) and the Riff Off song from Pitch Perfect. Her rapping is so sexy. Like seriously.

I still have a couple of Anna Kendrick movies I WANT to watch but… I have a class tomorrow. And it’s 3 friggin AM. Where did all my time go?! I still have 50/50 to watch! And I can’t wait to watch Into The Woods! Aaahhhh I’m gonna fangirl over her in the cinemas! Like I’m gonna go full-on fangirl over my girl crush in public.

I don’t want to leave my laptop, but I don’t want to leave my bed waiting up for me either…

Oh Anna, what have you done to me?
I still love you though…

Anna, if you happen to stumble upon this, I am totally normal. I swear.
No, seriously.
Nothing’s wrong with me.
Not psychotic. At all.
Can I meet you please?
It would make my day
life

I’m Not Gay, Except For…

…these few people I look up to.

Stana Katic
Jennifer Lawrence
Anna Kendrick
Paget Brewster
Cote de Pablo
Daniela Ruah

When it comes to these six women, I just love them so very much. Sure, I love my men but I would totally go lesbian for any of these. They’re beautiful, talented and amazing in every way possible. However, what is more admirable about them is their personalities off-camera. They are already great enough on TV and movies, playing roles that you can fall in love with (Stana in Castle, Jennifer in The Hunger Games, Anna in Pitch Perfect, Paget in Criminal Minds, Cote in NCIS, Daniela in NCIS:LA) but have you seen them when they’re not acting? Just watching them in interviews, behind the scenes, on the red carpet just makes me love them even more than I possibly can. <3

Here’s my problem, I wanna marry them but I also just want them as a very good friend/big sister all at the same time. aThen again, I think I’d rather have them as a good friend, someone I can hangout with from time to time. I would imagine them to be such fun people to be around with.

I have previously written about how much I admire Stana Katic here, so to cut things short here, I’ll just say that she is amazingly gorgeous and talented as well as kind and adorable at heart. Stana can sing too! She sang Simone’s Song in the movie, The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice and her very own song during the 51st Zlin Film Festival.

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Then there’s Jennifer Shrader Lawrence. How can anyone (man or woman), not like Jennifer. She loves food, doesn’t hold back her words and is funny. So she’s just like us normal girls but has an Oscar. She kicked ass playing Katniss and Tiffany (Silver Linings Playbook). What’s there not to love about Jennifer, I mean, just look at her…

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Anna Kendrick is my newest muse. Ever since I watched Pitch Perfect, I cannot stop gushing about her. She kind of reminds a bit of Jennifer. Anna also loves food and doesn’t hold back, by that I mean she cusses too. :D Then while watching Pitch Perfect for the second time, I realised she reminds me a little of Avril Lavigne. Don’t get me wrong, I love Avril, grew up with her songs. I guess it’s because she played Beca which is a rebellious teen with lots of eyeliner who can sing. Pretty much Avril back then :) Ah, she’s so pretty I wanna be just like her. She can sing, she can dance,  and she can act. Her rendition of “Cups (When I’m Gone)” is just so perfect. Plus she can rap too. Then she also sang live at the Kennedy Center Honours for a Shirley Maclaine tribute and it was so amazingly beautiful. Like, whoa where did that voice come from? Damn! I did a little bit of reading and found out that Anna has been acting for a loooonng time! She started when she was 13! nd now she’s 29. Gosh, how have I not have heard of her before this!

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Then there’s Paget Valerie Brewster. One thing, her voice. My gosh, I can listen to her voice all day. She has this unique deep yet not so deep, more like sexy deep voice. And I love, love, love her in Criminal Minds. I was devastated when she left CM, both the first and second time). The BAU team will never be the same. But, I still watch it for Matther Gray Gubler, Shemar Moore, AJ Cook and Thomas Gibson. I understand that Paget wants to leave CM to pursue other acting opportunities but the role of SSA Emily Prentiss was how I came to know of her.

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Cote de Pablo (María José de Pablo Fernández) holds a special place in my heart. She plays Agent Ziva David in NCIS and till this day I cannot believe what had happened between the TV network producing NCIS and her. I won’t spread any false accusations here, you can read about it elsewhere but I find it so unfair of the TV network to do whatever they did, I mean Cote is a HUGE part of NCIS, a main role. I do not blame Cote for leaving, I believe she did what she had to do for her own good. I’m disappointed that the network didn’t do much to get her back. Onto why I love her, Ziva (the role I fell in love with) is a tough and smart agent and damn, she can really kick your ass when she needs to. Off screen, she is just super adorable and giggly. She’s sexy and amazing. Love, love her.

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As for Daniela Sofia Korn Ruah, she’s like Cote to me. Her character on NCIS:LA, Agent Kensi Blye is also tough and smart. She is superb in NCIS:LA. She can kick your ass and still look sexy doing it. Damn. Off screen, she is a new mother to River Isaac last year, who by the way, has the same birthday as me :)

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So yeah, you can see that I love women who can be tough and still be just as gorgeous at the same time. They inspire me. I wanna just like them. I aspire to be a little bit of Stana, Jennifer, Anna, Paget, Cote and Daniela with a dash of me into it. I want their confidence, their fun personality and just all around awesomeness :)

Needing a New Distraction

I am done crying over him.
I am done missing him.
I am done thinking about him.
I am done reminiscing over our relationship.
I am moving on.

And I need someone new to muse over…

I have come to this realisation, that when I thought I was miserable without him, I was actually miserable at the lost of a companion. I realised that I don’t miss him. I only missed his company. I missed someone being there for me. I missed someone I can talk to at any time of the day (and night).
And you know what? I can find that companionship in someone else out there. Someone better, even!

I have realised that I didn’t really liked him as much as I thought I did when we had just broken up. In fact, there are so many points where we didn’t match at all. He has no goals in life as he had only wanted to finish his university degree and get a any job to survive. When we talked about future jobs, he has that anything-will-do attitude. I do not like that, honestly. I have career goals in life that I am looking forward to achieving and I am trying my best to get there. He, on the other hand, pretty much doesn’t care. I’m not saying that you must have a goal AND achieve it. If you don’t, It’s alright. As long as you’ve tried your best and gave it your all. Even if that goal seem far-fetched, at least you’re working to achieve SOMETHING.

And that is just one point.

Now, I have moved on from him. I may still hurt a tiny bit when I see him doing something he used to say/do to me to someone else or when I hear his favourite song on the radio but you know what? I don’t regret it.
I don’t regret being with him.
I don’t regret breaking up with him.
I don’t regret him hurting me.
As much as it hurts, it has brought me to this state of realisation and made me a stronger, better person.
In fact, I thank him, though I won’t admit that in his face.

And so, I am now open to new people in my life and possible new relationships.
Goodbye, ex.
(I hope when I get a new boyfriend, he gets super jealous and miss me or something)
(Not that I’m desperate for a new boyfriend or anything)

My Dating Advice

…is that, don’t date someone in your school/college/university whom you’ll be seeing for the next couple of years everyday in class if you’re only looking for a fling.

Of course, this only applies to those who are still studying.

I am learning this the hard way.

Breaking up with him was hard on me. I never expected myself to be so affected by this breakup but it took me two weeks to move on from him.
Yet, I still have to see him every weekday in my class. And it doesn’t help that he is one of those noisy people in class where you WILL hear his voice.

Now, there isn’t anything bitter between us. We’re still friends, or so we convince ourselves to be. I still want to be friends with and so does he, as he had said so before. Anyhow, it doesn’t change the fact that we were once close before. So whenever we see each other, it’s a hi and bye situation and the occasional sharing funny pictures and posts online where we know the other person would enjoy. However, for me, it doesn’t change the fact that he had broken up with me. And that he had hurt me by doing so. Therefore, I now hate him as much as I still like him. There are times where I really want to punch him in the face and there are times when I want to crawl back to him.

So yes, I have about another two more years of seeing him every weekday (he is in the same batch of course as I am) unless I can miraculously find my way to study in another university in another country. Since I’ve always wanted to study overseas (somewhere in the UK or Canada would be great, US is pretty cool too) because my faith in Malaysian education isn’t that strong. Due to lack of financial funding, I am stuck here.

I guess the only way I can really move on is when I find someone new to focus on. But, I told myself that I shall not date guys in my university. People here are just not what I’m looking for. I guess what I’m looking for is someone more mature but can still have fun. Childish is alright, just not all the time. So, I want someone I can find outside of my university.

Even if he’s working now, I’m fine with that.
I’ve always like older guys anyway. (And I don’t mean OLD men, okay?)

Thus, I am taking a break in looking for a boyfriend from the pool of guys from my university.
I need to pick up/join/involve myself in something outside. Probably a club or community out there I can be a part.

I’ve been wanting to pick up another martial art apart from Tae-Kwon-Do that I already know. So maybe when I find a class outside, I’d meet new people :)

Split

That ticking time bomb I was talking about?
It finally exploded.

As much as I had seen this coming, I never really prepared myself. I knew it was gonna happen, yet I didn’t think it would affect me this much. In a way it hurts that I can’t seem to think about it. About him.

It may have been only a couple of months, but in that few months, we did go through a lot. Now, every time I do or see something that we once did together or talked about, it just brings me back to those good times. Then when I do see something he might be interested to know, I want to reach for my phone and tell him only to realize that I can’t do that anymore. We’re not together anymore.

He said that he hoped that we can still be friends, that we can go back to before. Honestly, I also hope we can. I like him very much, but the timing is pretty bad for me. I guess I can’t really commit to any relationships right now. Not with what’s going on at home. It’s hard. It’s hard not to think about him. I’ve just gotten used to him being around me that now I have to get used to him not being around me as a partner. I’ll still see him every weekday in campus. He in most of my classes. So, it’ll be both painful and awkward and nice being around him. I’ll either see him and think back of what we were or I’ll see him and be happy that he’s still around.

To think about it, I think this split is better for the both of us. He even said it himself. We both want different things when it comes to relationships at this point of time. He wants a dependent girl who is more open and I’m just not that kind of person right now. I’ve always been the independent person my whole life and right now, I’m a closed person. I just can’t seem to talk about my feelings.

Right now, I can’t seem to stop thinking about him.
About what we could have been, if I had just opened up a little more.
I guess what they say is true, that the first cut is the deepest.

On a happier side note,

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

GONG HEI FATT CHOY! GO XI FA CAI!

LET THE YEAR OF HORSE GALLOP IN SOME PROSPERITY!

Is Marriage A Must?

Is it?
Must I really marry someone in my life?
What if I don’t find the one?
What if marriage isn’t a goal in my life and more of an added bonus if I do find someone?

So I’ve never been the type to be familiar in the dating scene. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend which is my current. It’s only been a couple of months, and mind you I’m twenty years old. Sure, I like guys. I’ve had plenty of crushes but they never worked out. It’s either the feeling isn’t mutual or they aren’t what I think they were once I got to know them.

Yes, I am picky. I don’t just date anyone who fancies me. I’ve turned down a couple because I just didn’t feel the same though I do like him a little. Just not enough.

About a year ago, things changed drastically at home. We had a third party involving my father. This is hard. I am even surprised I managed to type this out. One year ago when we found out, my emotion were haywire. I manage to control them so that I wouldn’t break down in public. But at home in my room at night, I cried myself to sleep. I cried on the phone with my best friend. I cried texting a couple other close friends. I cried talking to my extended relatives. 
It. Was. Hard.
Plus, I am a very emotionless person when it came to heart to heart talk. Not that time. I had to take trips to the bathroom to wipe my tears.

Mostly, I would lock myself in my room, put on my headphones, and blast 30 Seconds to Mars and Skrillex in my ears. Either that or I’d re-watch Castle episodes. It helps distract me from my current state of emotion for that hour. Then I’d come back into reality in a much calmer state.

Then last weekend, I came across another case. Not directly my family, but a relative’s relative. I saw this married man having another family other than the one we all knew of. He had a young schooling kid, for God’s sake! That had me really thinking that my faith in men are diminishing more than ever. I have faith that my current boyfriend wouldn’t cheat on me but then again, I never thought my father would. You can really never tell what will happen in the future I guess.

This brings me to a question when an aunt warned me about men.
I said, “Then I won’t get married.”
She went on to say, “No, you can’t think like that. You have to get married.”
Have to get married?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against marriage. Sure, I’d love to be married to the man I love and who loves me just as much. I’d want to have a family one day. However, I’d rather not get married than to be married to the wrong man. If I’m going to get hitched to man only for him to cheat and hurt me, no thank you.

Honestly, I have no problem about being single for the rest of my life as long as I am happy and surrounded by people I love. Of course, it can be lonely and people will judge you but that is alright with me.

I have other goals in life and I want to be happy and healthy. For me, a husband would be an added bonus.

Growing Up

One and a half months into my internship, also my first ever job, and I feel like I can say that I’I’ve learnt so much more about myself that I have in other times of my life. It’s like a breath of new air that made me realize of who I am and what kind of personality and taste I have. I guess you could say that it is now, the working life, that you really enter the real world. High school and university are all just fun and games.

Most of my life (that I can remember since I was probably five), I’ve always been a tomboy-ish girl. I never liked dresses, shopping or even high heeled shoes. To me, dresses and high heels are uncomfortable and shopping is only when necessary (when I really need new clothes or shoes because my current ones are worn out). So I was pretty much a teenage boy in that sense.

Being a tomboy-ish girl (I wasn’t very tomboy, I still liked boys), I learnt to be independent and not rely on anyone if I could. Of course, I still slacked and laze around the house like a typical kid when it comes to house chores and homework. I meant independent as in being responsible for my actions, stepping up to do something different and daring to go out on stage to perform. I also had a very curious mind and my teacher was Google. Anything I wanted to know and not want to ask my mom, I Googled it. From learning to use the keyboard shortcuts on my laptop to learning how to fiddle with the HTML codes on my Tumblr page and also when I had a random question of how’s, what’s and why’s of things in this world.

So when I was out in the real world working, all of these were put to the test. I found out that while I was at home finding out how to do these things that I thought most people would know, yet here they are not knowing how to do them. I really thought I was the only one who didn’t know, so I quietly asked Google, not wanting to embarrass myself for asking.

I found myself helping my colleagues who didn’t know how to print screen pages on their laptop, adjust alignments and remove annoying lines that can’t seem to be deleted on Microsoft Word (those lines are a real pest!), print documents from a .zip file and all that. Then they turn to me and say that I really am smart. Honestly, I am taken aback that I was the only one who knew how to.

After that I had my supervisor who sat next to me during a recent Christmas celebration at the office and told me these words, “You’re really different from the rest. You carry yourself well, you do things well. There must be something you’re not telling me. Then he goes on and says, “You know, you’re going to be missed around here,” as I only had another two more weeks left at the office. Now he is a forty-plus year old family man, so I know this isn’t some small talk. He knows what he’s saying. I guess he’s seen me walking around the office, helping others out where they don’t know how to. He also told me before that, “There has been nothing but good things said about you.” That came as a nice surprise for me. I really did not expect that. My colleagues are the best. :)

Onto the finding out more of myself part, I came to a conclusion that I am into men (note that I said men, not boys) who have a more matured way of thinking. One who can handle his responsibilities very well and have as much fun. He would know that fun has a limit, where there’s serious work, he would be serious. But you know what? It is pretty much the total opposite of my current. I’d say he’s not that serious when he needs to. He doesn’t really care much about that. Well, at least that’s what I’m getting from him. In fact, every guy that’s been interested in me are the really playful type. The man that I am describing seems to only exist in much, much older men where it wouldn’t be socially acceptable for me to be with. After all, I am only nineteen.

Apparently, I Can’t Not Share…

So, I have a YouTube channel where I upload acoustic guitar covers of songs that I like.
I admit that I am not great, I play for the fun of it and record myself if I think it’s decent enough.
Then, earlier this year, I decided to sing and dedicate a song to some of my closest friends for their birthdays. Again, I admit I am horrible at singing and I find myself pretty hard to listen to. But, it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it? :)

I changed the lyrics of my friend’s favourite song and sing about them instead while playing my guitar as accompaniment.
But… recently, a friend posted my video onto her Facebook account and tagged me. There, my family including my mother saw and watched.
Not only that, she spread it to my entire family via our family whatsapp group.
*yikes*
Thankfully I was online that time and managed to privatize the videos before everyone got to see it.

You see, these videos were not meant for people I know to watch. I know this sounds odd. You might wonder why I bother uploading if I didn’t want people to watch. I guess you could say I was afraid of criticisms. I know I’m not good, but to hear that from the people I knew would sound pretty harsh. However if the criticisms came from some random user on the web, I’d be more open and not take it too personally. That’s why I uploaded my videos and recordings but never told anyone. I wanted my videos to be found on its own by the search results of the public, and for it not to be influenced by people I knew. 

Another thing was that, if I had told people that I had uploaded videos, they’d watch it and be obligated to comment nice and sugar coated things like “Good job!”, “You play really well!”, “I didn’t know you could sing!” and “Practice makes perfect”; even though both them and I know I am far, far away from be good.

Back to this problem I’m currently having…
I privatized it but two of them managed to watch before I could do so. The other two family members was asking “What happened to the video?Why can’t I watch it?”. I ignored them cause I really wanted them to drop the topic. Then my mum even gave me a LONG lecture on how I shouldn’t have done that and instead, should have told them about the videos a long time ago. She even threatened me to show her all my videos or else she wouldn’t fetch me to work the next day. I showed her the other non-singing videos. She still doesn’t know I have more than one singing videos. :P

The worse part?
My mum told me that one of my aunts called me pa bei (which means “stingy” in Cantonese) because I didn’t let them watch my video.
She even said, “What’s so good about it that she won’t let us watch?”
Gosh, and here I am being the total opposite.
Would it be better if I went shoving all my videos in your face to watch and expect good comments?
The birthday videos were meant for that specific friend I sang to and only her! 
Why can’t they respect that?!
Geez…

On a totally unrelated topic,
I misplaced my diary and I can’t find it. :(
I remember cleaning my room a couple of weeks ago and I must’ve placed it somewhere else.
I don’t know if I should just start another one or wait and keep looking cos that one still has space and I wanna write in it…
Btw it’s like my 4th diary book, so not all my memories are gone. Just the recent ones.