The Pressure of Finding a Partner in Life

…and it’s not even coming from me!

Oh the struggle is real…

I am 21 years old and I have schoolmates that are the same age as I am who are already engaged or married. Those that aren’t, are in a serious relationship. Well, of course not all of them but I’m talking about the people around me. My friends, people that I still keep in touch with and those that occasionally pop up on my Facebook newsfeed.

Honestly, I’m happy for them. They’ve found someone they love and they want to be married, that’s great! I have absolutely no problems with young marriage. Also, it does not matter what I think about, it is after all, their life and their decisions.

My problem is the pressure I get from my family. Especially the women side, I’m talking about my mother, sister, aunt, other aunts, more aunts and grandmother. On a normal average day, they’d casually drop the “So, do you have a boyfriend?” question, or if they’re feeling really bored, it’s the “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” question. Then I usually shrug it off and say no, end of conversation.

Now, what I’ve learnt is that I shouldn’t ever mention any of my friends getting engaged or married to the whole lot of them. I did a rookie mistake, I just happened to scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and saw a schoolmate’s marriage photos and told my mother in front of the aunts. Then BAM! the onslaught of comments fell upon me;

“You see, people your age are getting married and you don’t even have a boyfriend”
“What about you?”
“When’s your turn?”
“Do you secretly have a boyfriend that we don’t know about?”
“Yeah, I think she has one and she doesn’t want to tell us.”
“So, who is your boyfriend?”
“What’s his name?”
“Show us pictures!”
*sigh*

Is it so bad to not want a partner right now?
Must I purposely and desperately find someone to be happy?
What if I truly am happy right now in this position being single?

Then again, they do not know about the whole bisexuality thing that I’m still sorting out with. They just assume I’m straight. I can’t blame them for assuming that, but I just want them to stop pressuring me into finding a guy to be with just for the sake of having a partner. I want to date that person because I truly love and adore him/her and if it takes me years until I find that person, so be it. I would rather stay single than to date the wrong person only to miss the opportunity to be with the right person.

Now it may seem as if I’m scared to date the wrong person. I don’t mean it that way. My preferences and conditions are simple, if I can tolerate and love that person wholly and he/she can do the same with me, I will. What I mean by tolerate is that I am okay with the things that we don’t have in common or don’t agree upon, something like the ‘agree to disagree’ situation. So I’m not going to date anybody just to show the world that I’m the girlfriend material.

As for my sexuality preference, I think I’ve established this in my last post but I’ll say it again. I am still unsure of who I am but I do know this: I am attracted to men as well as women. It could just be a phase that I’m going through or I could really be bisexual. The only way (that I can think of) to know whether I’m straight or bisexual is if I were to find a girlfriend and really got through with it. This means, if I found a woman whom I truly love then I am bisexual and if I don’t, I really wouldn’t know for sure.

And mark my words, I am in no rush or desperation to find a partner.

Yes, a partner in life would be nice and fun and amazing but I feel like it’s not my top priority right now. However, if I do find someone in life, I will make her/him my top priority. I guess I would like to find love when it’s least unexpected.

Asking Someone Out These Days

Remember the days when a guy wanted to get to know a girl, he’d do all sorts of tricks and charm to get her number?
Yeah, well, what happened to that?

Today it’s all: guy meets girl, guy chats a little, guy hands over his Facebook/Twitter/WeChat username, guy asks girl to add him.

I guess in a way, it’s better than having the girl say no and reject him on the spot. It gives her time to think it through whether she wants to get to know him. Then again, it’s very ungentleman-like. Because it would the girl who has to add/call him up first.

Call me old fashioned but I’d prefer if the guy asks for the phone number, then the girl can decide whether she should give him the actual number or fake one (if she doesn’t really want anything to do with him), then the guy is the one who calls (not text!) and initiates the asking out part.

Yes, I’m all for strong, independent women who can ask a guy out. But where’s the romance in being pursued by a guy? *swoons*

Then there’s the social media thing! Really though? Not phone numbers anymore? Kinda disappointed there. I understand that it’s a precaution, giving out your social media instead of phone number because you can block that username much easier than blocking a phone number (right?), but it’s also sending a message that there’s not seriousness or commitment if it’s via social media. It’s as if it’s just for fun. Like it’s a game of who can get the most followers or friends. The more followers and friends, the better!

In the end, there are pros and cons with these new age things (social media). However, I’m quite old fashioned when it comes to the game of love and relationships.

The reason I ranted on this topic is because I was asked to add this guy (a cashier at a shop) on social media after we talked for a bit. I haven’t and I don’t think I would. Sorry cashier guy!

Reality Check

Every semester, in the study-break week before my final examinations, there will be a day where I sit and ponder about my life and where it is heading. Then I will start to worry my socks off about whether I will actually make it to where I want to be in the next five to ten years.

Today is that day.

I just can’t help but to feel like I’m not doing enough to make sure I get to where I want to be. I tell myself to go ahead and pick up that book to study for that exam, but then I start to think what if I fail in this exam? What will happen? Am I in the right field of study? Do I actually want to do this as my career? What if this isn’t what I’m good at? What if I’m actually good at something else but totally ignoring it?

Yes, I do love this field of study. I am very much interested in it and I want to do this. I know I’m not the best at it. I have course mates who just get it the first time they listen to it in class or understand completely just by reading the text book once. I’m not that. I need to go through it a couple of times, I need to ask them for their explanation, I need more time to study the same thing. But hey, at least I’m trying, right? I do have other interests and I also want to do that, but not as my career. I want to do those as a side hobby.

However, there is an interest in those hobbies of mine. And what if those hobbies are actually what I’m really good at and I can make a career out of it? Like, a better career than what I’m actually pursuing now.

I know this is all very vague and you have no idea what I’m talking about, this field of study and hobbies. I don’t want to go into specifics because then I will have to explain so much more. I’m keeping it general so if you can relate, we can sit and worry together. Or… we could talk about it and possibly solve this horrible day of mine I get every semester.

I guess in a way, this recurring day I get is sort of a reality check for me, a little reminder to sit and check in on whether I’m on the right path.

Maybe I’m …?

As of right now, this is big for me. I don’t know if this is just a thing that will pass in a couple of weeks or this is truly me. I know I have always told myself that in the future, were I to find a partner in life that was the same gender that I am, I would be alright with it. I am not against the idea of being homosexual, in fact, I support it, though not right now. I told myself before that I am straight now but am open to the same gender if I do find someone worth it in the future.

Now, I think I may have spoken (to myself) too soon.

It’s not like I have anyone in the same gender that I am interested in now, but I guess it’s the idea of it. And it’s not like I look at girls (my friends and the people I see every day) and I find them attractive. No, I don’t feel that way. I’ve never had any romantic feelings for my friends who are girls and I don’t think I will.

So, why am I suddenly going through this life/identity crisis? Let’s start from the very beginning…

Short version: I started watching the TV series Arrow. The characters Sara Lance and Nyssa al-Ghul awakened something in me. I am now contemplating my life choices.

Long version: I was brought in to this fandom by a friend and she told me I would definitely enjoy watching Arrow. Boy, she couldn’t have been more right. Arrow is about Oliver Queen aka Green Arrow from DC Comics who is a masked vigilante out to watch over and save his city, Starling City with his amazing archery and combat skills. The lead actor Stephen Amell (Oliver) is super gorgeous, I mean, that body is heaven. The rest of the characters are just as interesting and the storyline of the series is just spot on. When I started this series, it was currently showing Season 3 Episode 15. So I had 61 episodes to marathon in about less than one month.

In season 2, the character Nyssa al-Ghul was introduced and she’s the other daughter of the infamous Ra’s al-Ghul which I previously know from Batman. Also, because Stana Katic voiced the daughter, Talia in the Batman: Arkham City videogame. Nyssa, from the League of Assassins came to Starling City, confronted Sara Lance (The Canary), looking like she was about to attack and kill her. Nyssa walks towards Sara slowly and the next thing you know, she pulls her in and kisses her like her life depended on it.

From then on, I was sold. Katrina Law (Nyssa) and Caity Lotz (Sara) did such an amazing job portraying a badass lesbian couple that made me think about myself twice. Seriously, I was fantasizing on what it would be like to be in that relationship. And by that I mean the Nyssara relationship, in the TV show, not real life where I am not an assassin. Man, that would be cool… League of Assassins. Can I go to Nanda Parbat please?

I guess I have a type then. With my track record of loving strong, independent women who can kick ass and still look good doing it; Stana Katic, Paget Brewster, Cote de Pablo, Daniela Ruah, Diane Neal, AJ Cook, and now Katrina Law and Caity Lotz.

Maybe it’s time to admit that I am attracted to women in a way. And that I admire these characters so much that I wanna be like them too. I guess, secretly I could be bisexual while I was somewhat denying it before. Until I find that special someone (man or woman), I guess I’m open to anything. However, I am not going to publicly stating that I could be bisexual. There’s no need for that. All I need is for me to understand and accept that. I don’t need the approval or consideration from anyone else.

Choosing Between Two Offers

Well, this sucks…

The time for my next internship is just around the corner and unlike last time, I started finding for my job early. Thankfully, I managed to land a place in a pretty good company willing to take me in for two months. It was hard finding for a placement and this was the only company that had reply my vast number of emails and phone calls I sent out and made.  So that was settled.

Then three weeks before I start my internship, I received an email from one of the earlier companies I emailed asking me to come in for an interview. Now you see, I had wanted to go to this company but after a few calls, they said they were not hiring any interns. Thus, me moving on the another company which later on accepted me.

Now, I thought that I’d just attend the interview out of courtesy.  If I didn’t get it, it’ll be alright. If I got the offer, I’d just decline it. I’d thought that I would attend because rejecting to meet them would be just a little too harsh. Boy, was I wrong…

Turns out, declining the job offer after they had offered is much, much harder than I would expect it to be. Yes, I got the job. I didn’t think I would because it was a group interview of 5 and it didn’t seem like I did well. Plus, we were given a set of Actuary related questions which were difficult, couldn’t do any of them. But I guess they didn’t really emphasize much on the questions.

As of now, I’ve composed my declining email but have yet to send it. I feel bad. I know it’s part of how all these work and I couldn’t have changed it anyway because of this terrible timing, but nonetheless, I still feel terrible. I want to be able to work at both companies. It’ll be such a good experience at both places but I only have two months to spare for my internship.

I just hope I’m somewhat making the right decision…

Wanting Something but Not Getting It

You know when you like someone and you do everything you can (discreetly) to see him/her?

Like remembering when he/she goes to this place routinely and you “just so happen” to be there at that time.

Well, I am going through that.
But, this person I like…?
It’s not the kind of ‘like’ where I have the hots for him.
It’s more like I want to get to know this person as friends.
I want him and I to be good friends where we can joke around and chat.

To make this situation a little more complicated, he is in my university. And he’s not a student. Nor a lecturer (puh-lease…).

He works there but as a staff. He’s got such a great personality, pretty good humour and just nice person to be around.
I just want to be able to talk with him and get to know him and for him to get to know me.
All I ask for is to be good friends.
If anything more happens, that’ll be great. An added bonus.
Though…
It’d be reaaally odd if we got together. Not for me, because I’m fine with it, but for everyone else around us.
Which are his colleagues and other students we know.
First, because of age. We’re not thaaat much far apart. Less than a 10 year gap as far as I know. But the fact is, he’s a staff, I’m a student.
Second, boundaries. I deal with them (staff) a lot because I am involved with activities and events around campus and they are in charge of the events that happens. If we were together, people (being people) will assume I get a free pass in everything.

As of right now, whenever we meet each other on campus, we’d say hi and a tiny little chit chat if anything. Sometimes, I do have to go to him as he deals with the activities and I am involved.

There was one weekend on the week before, a couple of students and the whole staff got together  for a retreat/camp at a venue. It was a very seminar-like camp where it was very much emphasizing on the bonding of us selected students and the staff so that we all could improve performance on campus. He was there, and I guess after spending 3 days and 2 nights as a getaway over there and seeing him a lot, returning back to reality was such a bummer. Thus, it explains my situation right now. This thing I’m going through started before the camp, but the camp probably amplified it.

 

But from my point of view, he doesn’t know that I think of him of this way. He probably doesn’t even feel the same way I feel about him. If nothing works out between us, not even being close friends, I know I’ll get over him with time. I’ll forget about him and find someone new to obsess with soon enough.

As of now though, I’m trying to do things just so I could see and talk to him more.

Wishful Thinking

This has been bugging my mind for the past couple of days.

Am I am a little more mature for my age or am I just way in too over my head?

I seem to like conversing with people who are much older than I am than the people I always hang out with, which are around my age. When I say much older, I mean like more than 5 years of age, even more than 10  years of age. Sure, I like the company of my close friends that I hang out with in my university but really, I actually like the conversations I had with much older people. For example, I am involved in organizing activities in my universities so I deal with the staff working there and these people are like late twenties and even thirties, when I am barely twenty. I actually look forward to going to the office and getting my stuff there done and conversing with whoever there.

The people I hang out with are kind of… I hate to say it, but the word that describes it best is… boring. Of course, when I want to fool around and make stupid jokes, they’re the best people to go to. I love having a good laugh with them. For me, I can’t  all be about laughs and jokes. I need some reality-seriousness and work to ground me back. That’s where the ‘much older’ people come in.

Referring back to my two month internship (again), people there are my ‘serious’ side people and that’s where I believe I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have fun. I am not the depressed workaholic that doesn’t like happiness. Believe me when I say that when given the opportunity to let my hair down and do some crazy stuff, I will do it. However, in all the fun I also need the same amount of serious work to balance me out. Just like how yin needs yang and yang needs yin.
(yikes, that sounded cliche)

The reason why I keep referring my two month internship and why I treasure it so much was that I learnt so much. Not only in knowledge in that field, but of myself. I learnt that I fit in more with older people (I am sorry to call them ‘old’), and I am not all fun and jokes only.

Then there’s the part of me liking older men too.
(gosh, I sound like a girl who likes old perverted men.)
I guess it really shows in my love for Nathan Fillion. Come on, he’s 42 and I love him so goddamn much. I do not care that he is twice my age, I’d marry him. :D

I have also met some really nice people  throughout my daily routines of life and they just happen to be ‘much older’ men. Of which, if I were to date them I’d get hateful-judging and disapproving stares although I do not mind the age. Honestly, at these times I’d sigh to myself, wishing that I were older, in their age range. Or that they were younger, in my age range.

Sigh…

 

Almost Getting Ripped Off

I don’t know if it was a case of pure mistake of one’s doing or a very smartly crafted way of ripping customers off.

As of now, I will treat it as an (almost) perfect con.

Yesterday (Saturday), I went over to Chawan at Jalan Telawi, Bangsar for lunch with some family members. There was 9 of us in total and we took over three tables. Yes, we were probably the largest group there at that time. I find their Nasi Lemak Sambal Sotong pretty good, and I have eaten a whole lotta sambal sotong over the years. Their iced coffee there is also strong and full of flavour, albeit the higher than usual price of kopi ais (Iced coffee) elsewhere. Then again, it’s gotta be the area. Bangsar Telawi is pretty happening for your go-to food area in KL.

Since there was a large group of us and with a food and drink each, the bill was bound to be a large sum, no doubt about that.  After a almost two hours of sitting, eating and chatting, we called for the bill. An aunt passed it to me while she digs for money in her purse and told me to check it. To my surprise, I found a plate of keropok (crackers) in the bill that I don’t remember seeing anyone eating. At first, I thought it was a mistake by the waiter who accidentally keyed it in. Then my other family members asked me to run through the whole list for anymore mistakes. I found three more.

In total, we were charged of three extra drinks and an extra snack. It came up to an extra RM21. I was shocked that a “mistake” could be so big! At that point, the whole table knew they (the waiter/restaurant) was taking the opportunity to rip us off, just because we were a large group and usually, large groups of people do not check the bill as there was too much items to check for.

Now, usually we don’t check the bill too thorough but after finding one extra item, we tend to check through everything. I reaaaally hope this was an honest mistake, and not them doing this to every large group that comes in for a meal, because I like eating there.

If this ever happened to anyone out there at the same place (Chawan, 69 Jalan Telawi 3, Bangsar Baru, 59100 Kuala Lumpur, Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia), do let me know. Because if someone else out there had this happened then all is revealed.

Songs for Memories

Listening to a song that I like will most probably bring back memories of my own, whether it is someone, something or some part of my life. I guess we all tend to associate a certain song we like to listen to, to that period of time of our life. When I hear a ‘80s or a ‘90s song that I have heard of before, I tend to reminisce about when I was just a child sitting at the back seat of the car while the radio plays that song. Yes, I was only born in ’94 which is way after those songs were at their prime time but I have parents that would tune to this specific radio channel that plays ‘old’ songs. At that age of being ten years or younger, I would groan and grumble about how ‘old’ these songs were. Then I would ask to change the radio channel to something more recent. The “Hot Hits Today” aka the Boyband Era. Mind you, this was in the years 2000-2004. I would want my Westlife, Blue, Backstreet Boys, N’SYNC and Boyzone, not my mom’s favourite Air Supply, Chicago, Neil Diamond, Simply Red and Eagles.

Now whenever these ‘old’ songs would play, I’d be “HEY I KNOW THAT SONG!” I would even sing along to the chorus subconsciously because those words were already imprinted deep inside my brain from the countless time I’ve listened to them in the car. And you know what, I love those songs now. I’ve grown up with those songs and I’ve grown to love them, as corny as those lyrics were. There’s just something with those high falsettos that Air Supply and Chicago has, because if you ask me now, those two bands are my favourite ‘80s band. I’m all out of love…I’m so lost without youuuu….

Then there are songs which I used to love so very much, until I have associated it with a particular someone and that someone and I aren’t that close anymore. I used to loooove Lifehouse’s Fallin’ In. Then I had subconsciously it associated it with this crush I had because while I was crazy about him, the radio played it so much at that time and it has described my situation so perfectly. Then we didn’t work out and now when I hear that song, it brings me back to thinking about him. At first it hurt but now, I’m learning to love that song again because I’ve moved on from him.

After that, there’s my douchebag ex which you probably read about in my previous posts. He loved Zedd and Hayley William’s Stay the Night. I was alright with it, it’s a nice, catchy song and it was played everywhere at that time. Now when I hear it, I think of him and I instantly hate that song. Although I liked the song, I cannot listen to it. It went the same for a few of other Zedd’s songs. It’s such a shame because I like Zedd. One day, I shall get over it and be able to enjoy that song like I did with Fallin’ In.

Onto happier times now, during my internship last year, I really enjoyed myself. You can read all about that here. So there’s this one colleague who’s really fun and nice and he introduced to me Matt Kearney’s Ships in the Night. I loved it the first time I heard it, such a beautiful song. Now when it plays on my Spotify playlist, I think of him and my internship. During those two months, I got along well with the rest of the department and I’ve come to known of some of their songs they randomly sang in the office and partied to during the annual dinner. Those songs were Danza Kudoro  by Lucenzo and Don Lore V as well as Bara Bara Bere Bere by Michel Telo. These two songs remind me of those two months. I also was talking to this senior positioned manager and as they were karaoke-ing, Bob Dylan’s Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door came on and he told me that’s his favourite song and after having a couple of drinks he started dancing and singing along to the song. It was a fun night and I now associate that song to him.

I could go on and on about how each song I know or like represent a memory in my life, but these are the ones that I happened to be listening currently. Songs can bring you back in time. :)

Drive

In about 36 hours from now, I’d be sitting nervously in a tiny car awaiting my turn to prove to a couple of guys of my skills to drive on the actual roads of Malaysia.

Over the past one and a half months, I have been going for driving lessons and taking the necessary courses and tests to obtain my driver’s license.
To be honest, I am pretty nervous.
More nervous than I am for my final exams, which ended a week ago.

Now, Malaysia has its fame for one of the craziest road rage and endless traffic jams everyday. Then again, I cannot assure you for myself as I’ve only ever been on Malaysian roads. I’m actually feeling the pressure right now.
I. Am. Scared.

In order to get your license in this country, you have to attend a crash course on the rules and laws of the roads here and take a computerized test on it. Passing score is 42 out of 50 objective questions. I managed to score a 49, which I am very happy of. But that wasn’t my concern. I have had about 10 hours of practice on the road with my driving instructor but I feel as if I am still unprepared.

For the driving exam itself, you will be tested on four parts; the hill, parallel parking, three point turn and on the road driving.
The hill part is having to drive uphill and stopping the car exactly where it is marked on the hill, pull up the handbrake and release the brake pedal. Then after being cleared by the officer, you move on ahead.
My concern here is that I fear I may not be able to stop exactly where I’m supposed to. My practices mostly ended up with me stopping too early.

Parallel parking is to reverse into a slot within five minutes. Most of my practices, I managed to get it in within the time frame. However, a couple of times I’d misjudged my estimation and ending up over the line.
I’m afraid I might accidentally misjudge and hit the line at the back. If the back tyres touch the line behind, it will be considered as a fail, even if you are not done adjusting the car… :/

Three point turn is fine for me. As long as I go slow. Like reeaalllyy slooowwww. Hahahah.
Apparently, when doing this turn, the car mustn’t stop at all. It must be continuously moving or else it will be considered a four point turn.

The on-the-road part is having to drive out onto the actual roads with other road users (who are waaaayyy qualified than us) with an officer next to you. You would be driving a specific route and following the road signs out there. Also, the officer would judge your judgement you make when dealing with other cars. I just hope the other drivers I will be driving alongside me to be kind and nice to this learning driver taking her exam D:

So yeah, I am turning 20 this year and I am juuuust taking my driver’s license exam, although the legal age to obtain one is 17. I’m just a little late… :P Most of my friends and classmates have been driving for two years now and here I am, worrying about this two years too late to join the party.