Yet Another One

It’s almost two months since I’ve been interning at this company (a rather large company in this country, I might add) and I have this tiny BIG crush on someone I barely even know.

I’ve only ever spoken to her maybe twice or thrice but that was because my supervisor asked me for help to get her some stuff from our unit. She’s working at another unit (but under the same department), on the same floor but on opposite ends of the floor. Well, I’m not sure exactly where but it’s the other door.

I first saw her walking along the hallway of our floor towards the ladies washroom. There’s only one washroom on each floor btw. I thought she was pretty cute. Then on and off again I would see her, passing by and in elevators but never spoke to her.

Then one day, my supervisor told me someone would be coming over to our department to collect something, so she asked me to get it from the cabinet. When my supervisor said that person is here, I looked to see who just walked in through the door and there she was. Goddamn. It’s just like in the movies.

So as I helped her get that thing from the cabinet, we introduced ourselves. Then she thanked me and left.
It is at this point where I was pretty speechless, in the did-that-just-happen state of mind.

Then the next week, I had to collect that thing again to pass to her and she would return it later. So i got to see her twice that day. After that, it was done. No more. Didn’t have to pass her anything anymore. Which means, no reason to see her any more. I think that she thinks she’s troubling me for specifically going to get it for her, but really I would do it every day for the rest of my internship just to see her.

Technically I barely know her. I don’t know if she’s in any relationship, or if she’s interested in guys or girls. All I know is her name and that she works in that unit. I don’t know why but there’s just something about her that I like. But I don’t want to come off as too much when I barely know her. If I do have to the chance to get to know her, then only I will act upon this crush.

Damn I hate it when this happens. Definitely not the first time. Usually, in the end, nothing really happens and my crush on that person just subsides…

Farewell CSI

Even though I did not watch the last couple of seasons of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, or as I commonly refer to as CSI: Las Vegas since there’s CSI: New York, CSI: Miami and CSI: Cyber as well; I will always say that CSI: LV was the very first crime drama series I ever watch and fell in love with.

Since CSI: LV, I have then moved on to 50 other crime drama series which ultimately led me to Castle which is my favourite ever. I remember back in 2002, when I was 8 years old, CSI:LV Season 2 was playing on my local television channel. Technically, 2002 would have been Season 3 but in my country back then, it would only air the season after it had ended in the US. I watched an episode with my parents and found it very interesting despite me asking tons of questions to my mom trying to understand a lot of the law and laboratory terms. So week after week I would watch and sooner or later, I got the hang of it and would catch the show on TV religiously. I was hooked. I fell in love with Gil Grissom, Catherine Willows, Nick Stokes, Sara Sidle, Warrick Brown, Jim Brass and had a HUGE crush on Greg Sanders.

The entire (sort of) original team!

The entire (sort of) original team!

Then CSI: Miami and CSI: New York came along and I also got hooked onto to them. I would make sure that every week I had my dosage of Gil Grissom & team, Mac Taylor & team and Horatio Caine & team. Of course, there were other TV shows I would watch on the side but the CSI series was my first step to my downward spiral of TV crime dramas that I currently am still having. Not that I’m complaining. :P

So now, I finally watched the very last episode of CSI: LV which aired last week (September 27th) and I have to say, it was such a trip down memory lane. It felt so much like the first couple of seasons and I LOVED IT. The gang was back together (minus Nick and Warrick) and I am so happy about the ending!



Gil and Sara had gone through too much together and I am so happy that they got back together. One very vivid case that stuck with me all through these years was the Miniature Killer. This criminal would taunt Grissom by recreating the crime scene onto a small dollhouse-like setting, mail it to Grissom, then stage it in real life for them to find it after. It was one of those catch-me-if-you-can-before-I-kill-another cases but the Miniature Killer definitely freaked me out back then. Then the killer went one step further and kidnapped Sara and placed her under a crushed car, trapping her in muddy rain with waters slowly rising and threatening to suffocate her and Grissom literally found her just in time. Phew! Just thinking back to that scene is intense!

Sara and Gil <3

Sara and Gil <3

Back to this series finale, all the scenes where Sara and Gil met each other for the first time in a long time, the time in the lab together, the bee experiment together and finally the ending when they met on the boat with Gil being so pleasantly surprised that she was there and then sail off into the sunset… ahhh… *swoons*

The series finale BTS photo

The series finale BTS photo

Another thing that was super nice was when Catherine came back! And Lindsey, her daughter who used to be such a rebellious kid, now a CSI Level 1! Also, Lady Heather was pretty much the entire case! I guess it’s fitting they’d bring Lady Heather back. Since this show started off with Grissom, it would only make sense to end it with Grissom and Lady Heather was such a big recurring character arc to Grissom. Onto my favourite, Greg, there definitely wasn’t enough screen time for Greg in the finale. It would have also been nice to have Nick back too but since he had just left the team, it would be such a cheap shot just to bring him back for one last episode. Kudos to the writers of this series finale, it was a well worth episode.

*End of Spoilers*

I do have to admit that I stopped watching CSI: LV after Grissom left. I watched a season or two when Langston replaced Grissom then stopped, when DB Russell came in, I watched a couple of episodes and eventually stopped. I am not criticizing them but I guess at that time, I was very much preoccupied with other TV shows and CSI: LV did not have much appeal to me anymore.

Speaking of TV crime dramas I used to watch, I just realized how many shows I used to watch that were cancelled or ended and I had totally forgotten. Do you remember:

  • Monk (2002)
  • John Doe (2002)
  • Without a Trace (2002)
  • Nip/Tuck (2003)
  • Killer Instinct (2005)
  • Las Vegas (2003)
  • Numbers (2005)
  • The Shield (2002)
  • Kidnapped (2006)
  • Burn Notice (2007)
  • Leverage (2008)
  • The Mentalist (2008)

Well, I wouldn’t say that I’ve watched every episode of these shows but I certainly did watch a fair amount that I knew what it was about.

Well, I guess this is it.
This is goodbye, LVPD.
Thank you for introducing me to the whole Forensics, police procedural and law abiding TV series that has kept me entertained for the past 13 years of my life.

Looking Back

So this has been on my mind for the past two weeks or so and I kind of want to write about it.

I was thinking back to the first time I may have had a crush for a girl. As far as I can remember, I was thirteen and had just started secondary school (aka high school). A couple of friends in my class were friends with some seniors, who were a year older, and they would hang around in our class during break time. That was when I got to know them too. Slowly and over time, I found myself preferring to talk to one particular senior over the rest.

It wasn’t like I was in love with her or anything. It was more of a harmless crush as I found her very interesting and pretty. I just wanted to be her friend and get to know her more and that was it.

Then as time went by, we were just friends and would small talk one in awhile and then I got distracted by a stream of boys I got to know after. A very frustrating time, I would say because I never acted on these boy crushes I had.

Fast forward to 2010, I discovered Castle and the amazing and stunning Stana Katic among other amazing actors and actresses, but none quite like Stana. These feelings I had for Stana was a such a range of emotions, everything from I-wanna-be-like-her to I-wanna-be-with-her.

I would say that this is probably the first time I’d acknowledge the possibility of being lesbian. However, I never gave it much of a thought and kept on obsessing over how gorgeous and amazing Stana is. Of course, over the years I’ve found myself also obsessing over other actresses such as Paget Brewster, Cote de Pablo, Daniela Ruah, Anna Kendrick, Jennifer Lawrence and Julia Roberts but again, nothing quite like my love for Stana.

The next phase of my journey so far would be when I finally gave this feelings I had for women a long, deep thought. That would be when I discovered Arrow and the characters played by Katrina Law and Caity Lotz back in early 2015. You can read more of that in my previous post.

After some deep thinking, I finally accepted myself as a bisexual a couple of months back. The label may be bisexual but the way I see it would be as if there were a spectrum. One end would be solely heterosexual (let’s assume the number is 0) and the other would be solely homosexual (the number would be 10), I would say that I am somewhere at number 7.5 where I have interests in both men and women but a bit more on women at this moment in my life. This could change in time, because we go through life, we learn new things and we meet new people. I can’t say that I’ll always be in this position on that spectrum for the rest of my life because…well, people change.

That’s pretty much it for now. I guess coming to terms with it makes me think back and ask myself when did I actually find out my sexuality and how did it come about? So that’s my (very brief) story. :)

The Pressure of Finding a Partner in Life

…and it’s not even coming from me!

Oh the struggle is real…

I am 21 years old and I have schoolmates that are the same age as I am who are already engaged or married. Those that aren’t, are in a serious relationship. Well, of course not all of them but I’m talking about the people around me. My friends, people that I still keep in touch with and those that occasionally pop up on my Facebook newsfeed.

Honestly, I’m happy for them. They’ve found someone they love and they want to be married, that’s great! I have absolutely no problems with young marriage. Also, it does not matter what I think about, it is after all, their life and their decisions.

My problem is the pressure I get from my family. Especially the women side, I’m talking about my mother, sister, aunt, other aunts, more aunts and grandmother. On a normal average day, they’d casually drop the “So, do you have a boyfriend?” question, or if they’re feeling really bored, it’s the “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” question. Then I usually shrug it off and say no, end of conversation.

Now, what I’ve learnt is that I shouldn’t ever mention any of my friends getting engaged or married to the whole lot of them. I did a rookie mistake, I just happened to scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and saw a schoolmate’s marriage photos and told my mother in front of the aunts. Then BAM! the onslaught of comments fell upon me;

“You see, people your age are getting married and you don’t even have a boyfriend”
“What about you?”
“When’s your turn?”
“Do you secretly have a boyfriend that we don’t know about?”
“Yeah, I think she has one and she doesn’t want to tell us.”
“So, who is your boyfriend?”
“What’s his name?”
“Show us pictures!”

Is it so bad to not want a partner right now?
Must I purposely and desperately find someone to be happy?
What if I truly am happy right now in this position being single?

Then again, they do not know about the whole bisexuality thing that I’m still sorting out with. They just assume I’m straight. I can’t blame them for assuming that, but I just want them to stop pressuring me into finding a guy to be with just for the sake of having a partner. I want to date that person because I truly love and adore him/her and if it takes me years until I find that person, so be it. I would rather stay single than to date the wrong person only to miss the opportunity to be with the right person.

Now it may seem as if I’m scared to date the wrong person. I don’t mean it that way. My preferences and conditions are simple, if I can tolerate and love that person wholly and he/she can do the same with me, I will. What I mean by tolerate is that I am okay with the things that we don’t have in common or don’t agree upon, something like the ‘agree to disagree’ situation. So I’m not going to date anybody just to show the world that I’m the girlfriend material.

As for my sexuality preference, I think I’ve established this in my last post but I’ll say it again. I am still unsure of who I am but I do know this: I am attracted to men as well as women. It could just be a phase that I’m going through or I could really be bisexual. The only way (that I can think of) to know whether I’m straight or bisexual is if I were to find a girlfriend and really got through with it. This means, if I found a woman whom I truly love then I am bisexual and if I don’t, I really wouldn’t know for sure.

And mark my words, I am in no rush or desperation to find a partner.

Yes, a partner in life would be nice and fun and amazing but I feel like it’s not my top priority right now. However, if I do find someone in life, I will make her/him my top priority. I guess I would like to find love when it’s least unexpected.

Asking Someone Out These Days

Remember the days when a guy wanted to get to know a girl, he’d do all sorts of tricks and charm to get her number?
Yeah, well, what happened to that?

Today it’s all: guy meets girl, guy chats a little, guy hands over his Facebook/Twitter/WeChat username, guy asks girl to add him.

I guess in a way, it’s better than having the girl say no and reject him on the spot. It gives her time to think it through whether she wants to get to know him. Then again, it’s very ungentleman-like. Because it would the girl who has to add/call him up first.

Call me old fashioned but I’d prefer if the guy asks for the phone number, then the girl can decide whether she should give him the actual number or fake one (if she doesn’t really want anything to do with him), then the guy is the one who calls (not text!) and initiates the asking out part.

Yes, I’m all for strong, independent women who can ask a guy out. But where’s the romance in being pursued by a guy? *swoons*

Then there’s the social media thing! Really though? Not phone numbers anymore? Kinda disappointed there. I understand that it’s a precaution, giving out your social media instead of phone number because you can block that username much easier than blocking a phone number (right?), but it’s also sending a message that there’s not seriousness or commitment if it’s via social media. It’s as if it’s just for fun. Like it’s a game of who can get the most followers or friends. The more followers and friends, the better!

In the end, there are pros and cons with these new age things (social media). However, I’m quite old fashioned when it comes to the game of love and relationships.

The reason I ranted on this topic is because I was asked to add this guy (a cashier at a shop) on social media after we talked for a bit. I haven’t and I don’t think I would. Sorry cashier guy!

Reality Check

Every semester, in the study-break week before my final examinations, there will be a day where I sit and ponder about my life and where it is heading. Then I will start to worry my socks off about whether I will actually make it to where I want to be in the next five to ten years.

Today is that day.

I just can’t help but to feel like I’m not doing enough to make sure I get to where I want to be. I tell myself to go ahead and pick up that book to study for that exam, but then I start to think what if I fail in this exam? What will happen? Am I in the right field of study? Do I actually want to do this as my career? What if this isn’t what I’m good at? What if I’m actually good at something else but totally ignoring it?

Yes, I do love this field of study. I am very much interested in it and I want to do this. I know I’m not the best at it. I have course mates who just get it the first time they listen to it in class or understand completely just by reading the text book once. I’m not that. I need to go through it a couple of times, I need to ask them for their explanation, I need more time to study the same thing. But hey, at least I’m trying, right? I do have other interests and I also want to do that, but not as my career. I want to do those as a side hobby.

However, there is an interest in those hobbies of mine. And what if those hobbies are actually what I’m really good at and I can make a career out of it? Like, a better career than what I’m actually pursuing now.

I know this is all very vague and you have no idea what I’m talking about, this field of study and hobbies. I don’t want to go into specifics because then I will have to explain so much more. I’m keeping it general so if you can relate, we can sit and worry together. Or… we could talk about it and possibly solve this horrible day of mine I get every semester.

I guess in a way, this recurring day I get is sort of a reality check for me, a little reminder to sit and check in on whether I’m on the right path.

Maybe I’m …?

As of right now, this is big for me. I don’t know if this is just a thing that will pass in a couple of weeks or this is truly me. I know I have always told myself that in the future, were I to find a partner in life that was the same gender that I am, I would be alright with it. I am not against the idea of being homosexual, in fact, I support it, though not right now. I told myself before that I am straight now but am open to the same gender if I do find someone worth it in the future.

Now, I think I may have spoken (to myself) too soon.

It’s not like I have anyone in the same gender that I am interested in now, but I guess it’s the idea of it. And it’s not like I look at girls (my friends and the people I see every day) and I find them attractive. No, I don’t feel that way. I’ve never had any romantic feelings for my friends who are girls and I don’t think I will.

So, why am I suddenly going through this life/identity crisis? Let’s start from the very beginning…

Short version: I started watching the TV series Arrow. The characters Sara Lance and Nyssa al-Ghul awakened something in me. I am now contemplating my life choices.

Long version: I was brought in to this fandom by a friend and she told me I would definitely enjoy watching Arrow. Boy, she couldn’t have been more right. Arrow is about Oliver Queen aka Green Arrow from DC Comics who is a masked vigilante out to watch over and save his city, Starling City with his amazing archery and combat skills. The lead actor Stephen Amell (Oliver) is super gorgeous, I mean, that body is heaven. The rest of the characters are just as interesting and the storyline of the series is just spot on. When I started this series, it was currently showing Season 3 Episode 15. So I had 61 episodes to marathon in about less than one month.

In season 2, the character Nyssa al-Ghul was introduced and she’s the other daughter of the infamous Ra’s al-Ghul which I previously know from Batman. Also, because Stana Katic voiced the daughter, Talia in the Batman: Arkham City videogame. Nyssa, from the League of Assassins came to Starling City, confronted Sara Lance (The Canary), looking like she was about to attack and kill her. Nyssa walks towards Sara slowly and the next thing you know, she pulls her in and kisses her like her life depended on it.

From then on, I was sold. Katrina Law (Nyssa) and Caity Lotz (Sara) did such an amazing job portraying a badass lesbian couple that made me think about myself twice. Seriously, I was fantasizing on what it would be like to be in that relationship. And by that I mean the Nyssara relationship, in the TV show, not real life where I am not an assassin. Man, that would be cool… League of Assassins. Can I go to Nanda Parbat please?

I guess I have a type then. With my track record of loving strong, independent women who can kick ass and still look good doing it; Stana Katic, Paget Brewster, Cote de Pablo, Daniela Ruah, Diane Neal, AJ Cook, and now Katrina Law and Caity Lotz.

Maybe it’s time to admit that I am attracted to women in a way. And that I admire these characters so much that I wanna be like them too. I guess, secretly I could be bisexual while I was somewhat denying it before. Until I find that special someone (man or woman), I guess I’m open to anything. However, I am not going to publicly stating that I could be bisexual. There’s no need for that. All I need is for me to understand and accept that. I don’t need the approval or consideration from anyone else.

Choosing Between Two Offers

Well, this sucks…

The time for my next internship is just around the corner and unlike last time, I started finding for my job early. Thankfully, I managed to land a place in a pretty good company willing to take me in for two months. It was hard finding for a placement and this was the only company that had reply my vast number of emails and phone calls I sent out and made.  So that was settled.

Then three weeks before I start my internship, I received an email from one of the earlier companies I emailed asking me to come in for an interview. Now you see, I had wanted to go to this company but after a few calls, they said they were not hiring any interns. Thus, me moving on the another company which later on accepted me.

Now, I thought that I’d just attend the interview out of courtesy.  If I didn’t get it, it’ll be alright. If I got the offer, I’d just decline it. I’d thought that I would attend because rejecting to meet them would be just a little too harsh. Boy, was I wrong…

Turns out, declining the job offer after they had offered is much, much harder than I would expect it to be. Yes, I got the job. I didn’t think I would because it was a group interview of 5 and it didn’t seem like I did well. Plus, we were given a set of Actuary related questions which were difficult, couldn’t do any of them. But I guess they didn’t really emphasize much on the questions.

As of now, I’ve composed my declining email but have yet to send it. I feel bad. I know it’s part of how all these work and I couldn’t have changed it anyway because of this terrible timing, but nonetheless, I still feel terrible. I want to be able to work at both companies. It’ll be such a good experience at both places but I only have two months to spare for my internship.

I just hope I’m somewhat making the right decision…

Wanting Something but Not Getting It

You know when you like someone and you do everything you can (discreetly) to see him/her?

Like remembering when he/she goes to this place routinely and you “just so happen” to be there at that time.

Well, I am going through that.
But, this person I like…?
It’s not the kind of ‘like’ where I have the hots for him.
It’s more like I want to get to know this person as friends.
I want him and I to be good friends where we can joke around and chat.

To make this situation a little more complicated, he is in my university. And he’s not a student. Nor a lecturer (puh-lease…).

He works there but as a staff. He’s got such a great personality, pretty good humour and just nice person to be around.
I just want to be able to talk with him and get to know him and for him to get to know me.
All I ask for is to be good friends.
If anything more happens, that’ll be great. An added bonus.
It’d be reaaally odd if we got together. Not for me, because I’m fine with it, but for everyone else around us.
Which are his colleagues and other students we know.
First, because of age. We’re not thaaat much far apart. Less than a 10 year gap as far as I know. But the fact is, he’s a staff, I’m a student.
Second, boundaries. I deal with them (staff) a lot because I am involved with activities and events around campus and they are in charge of the events that happens. If we were together, people (being people) will assume I get a free pass in everything.

As of right now, whenever we meet each other on campus, we’d say hi and a tiny little chit chat if anything. Sometimes, I do have to go to him as he deals with the activities and I am involved.

There was one weekend on the week before, a couple of students and the whole staff got together  for a retreat/camp at a venue. It was a very seminar-like camp where it was very much emphasizing on the bonding of us selected students and the staff so that we all could improve performance on campus. He was there, and I guess after spending 3 days and 2 nights as a getaway over there and seeing him a lot, returning back to reality was such a bummer. Thus, it explains my situation right now. This thing I’m going through started before the camp, but the camp probably amplified it.


But from my point of view, he doesn’t know that I think of him of this way. He probably doesn’t even feel the same way I feel about him. If nothing works out between us, not even being close friends, I know I’ll get over him with time. I’ll forget about him and find someone new to obsess with soon enough.

As of now though, I’m trying to do things just so I could see and talk to him more.

Wishful Thinking

This has been bugging my mind for the past couple of days.

Am I am a little more mature for my age or am I just way in too over my head?

I seem to like conversing with people who are much older than I am than the people I always hang out with, which are around my age. When I say much older, I mean like more than 5 years of age, even more than 10  years of age. Sure, I like the company of my close friends that I hang out with in my university but really, I actually like the conversations I had with much older people. For example, I am involved in organizing activities in my universities so I deal with the staff working there and these people are like late twenties and even thirties, when I am barely twenty. I actually look forward to going to the office and getting my stuff there done and conversing with whoever there.

The people I hang out with are kind of… I hate to say it, but the word that describes it best is… boring. Of course, when I want to fool around and make stupid jokes, they’re the best people to go to. I love having a good laugh with them. For me, I can’t  all be about laughs and jokes. I need some reality-seriousness and work to ground me back. That’s where the ‘much older’ people come in.

Referring back to my two month internship (again), people there are my ‘serious’ side people and that’s where I believe I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have fun. I am not the depressed workaholic that doesn’t like happiness. Believe me when I say that when given the opportunity to let my hair down and do some crazy stuff, I will do it. However, in all the fun I also need the same amount of serious work to balance me out. Just like how yin needs yang and yang needs yin.
(yikes, that sounded cliche)

The reason why I keep referring my two month internship and why I treasure it so much was that I learnt so much. Not only in knowledge in that field, but of myself. I learnt that I fit in more with older people (I am sorry to call them ‘old’), and I am not all fun and jokes only.

Then there’s the part of me liking older men too.
(gosh, I sound like a girl who likes old perverted men.)
I guess it really shows in my love for Nathan Fillion. Come on, he’s 42 and I love him so goddamn much. I do not care that he is twice my age, I’d marry him. :D

I have also met some really nice people  throughout my daily routines of life and they just happen to be ‘much older’ men. Of which, if I were to date them I’d get hateful-judging and disapproving stares although I do not mind the age. Honestly, at these times I’d sigh to myself, wishing that I were older, in their age range. Or that they were younger, in my age range.