Expectations

Ever wanted something so badly that when you do get it, it fails to meet your expectations?

That’s exactly what is happening to me right now.
=(

So all my life (I’m only nineteen, by the way), I’ve never been in a relationship up until about a month ago.
That’s right. I was nineteen with no boyfriend. To be honest, I was not ashamed of it. Nor was I desperate for one. I know that so many others has had their first partner when they were only an adolescent. When I was at that age, it wasn’t my priority. Plus, I was placed in an all-girl school from the ages of 7 to 17. Not that I blame my school for me not getting a boyfriend. Lots of them have boyfriends, but I just didn’t want to rush into anything. I have always believed that I’ll meet him one day and sure, other guys can come and go too just to try it out. So I wasn’t concerned about anything to do with my love life.

Of course, as an average teenage girl, I dreamed of being swept off my feet (except, I wouldn’t want that physically), be showered with love and admiration and also to do all those cute couple things. You, know the ones you see on Tumblr. Sure, I’ve had a few guys who had asked me to be together but I kindly (at least, I hoped it was) turned them down as I did not feel the same way. So, you see, it was important that I liked him back. I wasn’t just about to accept any Tom, Dick and Harry.

So, earlier at the mid year this year, I started hanging out with this guy and we connected and got really close. On my side, it wasn’t like I am head over heels in love with him. To me, he was someone I could really have fun with. About a month ago, he asked and I said yes. For the first week, it was weird for me. I literally had to remind myself, “Oh hey, I have a boyfriend now.” It was just all different. I hadn’t told many people because I didnt want to make a big deal of it. Then again, he was my first.

Now, I’m really starting to doubt this decision I made a month ago. I think I might not have been ready for this. I am so used to thinking about myself and only myself. Like, when i do something that one doesn’t do on their everyday routine and just casually (and unintentionally) mention it to him, he’d asked, “Oh, I didn’t know you were going to do that.” And this happens because I forget to tell him asI forget that he’s my boyfriend now.
Then when I am at home, doing my own things such as being engrossed watching a TV show or reading a book or busy surfing the net, then he comes and talks to me via online chats, I literally do not want to talk as I do not want to be disturbed. As a result, I subconsciously reply with one-word answers. He must have realised too because he’d end up asking me if I was busy (which I am).

In the end, because of all these little things, I actually end up feeling quite annoyed at him. One moment, I feel so annoyed at him and another moment, I like him. I really want this to work but I also feel as if I can’t stand him at times. Maybe I need to change the way I think as I’m used to thinking for myself only.

This is hard.
No one told me relationships were hard.
It’s either we’re just started to get used to each other or we’re just a ticking time bomb.

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