Looking Back

So this has been on my mind for the past two weeks or so and I kind of want to write about it.

I was thinking back to the first time I may have had a crush for a girl. As far as I can remember, I was thirteen and had just started secondary school (aka high school). A couple of friends in my class were friends with some seniors, who were a year older, and they would hang around in our class during break time. That was when I got to know them too. Slowly and over time, I found myself preferring to talk to one particular senior over the rest.

It wasn’t like I was in love with her or anything. It was more of a harmless crush as I found her very interesting and pretty. I just wanted to be her friend and get to know her more and that was it.

Then as time went by, we were just friends and would small talk one in awhile and then I got distracted by a stream of boys I got to know after. A very frustrating time, I would say because I never acted on these boy crushes I had.

Fast forward to 2010, I discovered Castle and the amazing and stunning Stana Katic among other amazing actors and actresses, but none quite like Stana. These feelings I had for Stana was a such a range of emotions, everything from I-wanna-be-like-her to I-wanna-be-with-her.

I would say that this is probably the first time I’d acknowledge the possibility of being lesbian. However, I never gave it much of a thought and kept on obsessing over how gorgeous and amazing Stana is. Of course, over the years I’ve found myself also obsessing over other actresses such as Paget Brewster, Cote de Pablo, Daniela Ruah, Anna Kendrick, Jennifer Lawrence and Julia Roberts but again, nothing quite like my love for Stana.

The next phase of my journey so far would be when I finally gave this feelings I had for women a long, deep thought. That would be when I discovered Arrow and the characters played by Katrina Law and Caity Lotz back in early 2015. You can read more of that in my previous post.

After some deep thinking, I finally accepted myself as a bisexual a couple of months back. The label may be bisexual but the way I see it would be as if there were a spectrum. One end would be solely heterosexual (let’s assume the number is 0) and the other would be solely homosexual (the number would be 10), I would say that I am somewhere at number 7.5 where I have interests in both men and women but a bit more on women at this moment in my life. This could change in time, because we go through life, we learn new things and we meet new people. I can’t say that I’ll always be in this position on that spectrum for the rest of my life because…well, people change.

That’s pretty much it for now. I guess coming to terms with it makes me think back and ask myself when did I actually find out my sexuality and how did it come about? So that’s my (very brief) story. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s