The Continuous Questioning

So my sexuality is one confusing heck of a ride.

It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve embraced my undeniably HUGE attraction to girls. In that same time, I’ve partially been attached to the label of being Bisexual. I say partial because I knew I had some attraction to guys but not as wide of an extent to girls. Although bisexuality seem to fit pretty well in theory, I’ve never really favoured that term. It just didn’t feel right. So I bounced around with the labels of Bisexual, Gay, Queer and other similar umbrella terms.

A couple of months ago, a bunch of friends and I went for a weekend getaway in a rented apartment. One of them (a guy) was an old crush where we were once really close but never intimate. It felt like there was something between us at one point but then it never took off, it was just sort of left hanging. And now every time I see him, we keep playing the whole flirting-but-nothing-further game.

This weekend getaway is the first time we’d be so close over two whole days, including spending a night. So I realised that he was doing the same old flirting thing and at first I was okay, just playing along. Then at night the bunch of us fell asleep on the couch, floor and etc. Okay, in our defence, we were chilling and talking there till 5am and was just too lazy to get up and move into beds.

So before lights were turned off, he had snuggled up next to me and I just felt really uncomfortable being so close to him and touching him. Nothing happened though, I told him I needed more space to sleep and then he moved away. Kinda felt bad but it just didn’t feel right at that time. If this had happened way back when my feelings for him were still new and I hadn’t discovered my sexuality, this would’ve been all I dreamed of.

My point is, sometimes I have an attraction to guys, but sometimes I just really don’t. And this attraction to guys is really specific, like I don’t even have a type. It’s more of the personality and the connection. Seeing my history of male crushes I had in high school and college, it’s mostly guys who I can have deeper conversations with, and not just small talk. If I had to dumb it down to a “type”, I guess my type is a decent command of English and can hold a conservation.

Living in a multiracial and multilingual country and being Chinese, I realise that most of the people I seem to meet mainly speak in mandarin/cantonese while I’m pretty bad at it. So my main language is, obviously, English which means my jokes/humour is also in English. Another thing I would really like in a male partner would be for him to accept my bisexuality. If anything, I’m not cool with anyone against the LGBT community.

In the long run, I guess I still see myself in a relationship with a woman despite my attraction to both genders. Like, if I had to be married, I would rather it be with a woman. I feel like, if I meet a pretty girl and a cute guy whom I am interested at the same time, chances are that I’d go for the girl 😛

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