Another crush, another rant.
Since I’m not comfortable sharing this with anyone, not even my best friends, and I want to talk about it, this blog shall be it. Part of me wants to be able to tell my closest friends about my undeniable crush on older women, sometimes men too, but I really don’t wanna be judged. I don’t think they would, but there’s always a chance. Plus, I hate talking about my feelings out loud.
Onto my latest muse at the office, she barely knows me, she’s probably way outta my league and I’m not even sure if she knows my name. Though I do think she recognises me from here and there from meetings and several company events. And geez, she is so pretty, I want her so bad. ❤️
You know, I might have developed a type. With the recent rise of female/female age difference relationship representation in movies and TV shows today, it may have awaken something in me. Like, wow. How did I not realise how gorgeous middle aged women are.
First, there’s Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara in Carol. That sophisticated and poised persona that Cate carries so perfectly, matched with Rooney’s shy, naive look. I love me a woman who knows what she wants and gets it. She evens gives off a power lesbian vibe playing Lou in Ocean’s 8 and Hela in Thor: Ragnarok. Cate can definitely take me anytime she wants.
Then there’s Charlize Theron and Sofia Boutella in Atomic Blonde. Another power lesbian role played by the older woman who can literally kick ass. Alpha me all you want, Charlize. Sofia’s character is also pretty badass and I’m very convinced she not actually dead. You can’t change my mind!
And finally, there’s Naomi Watts and Sophie Cookson in Gypsy. A reversal of roles where the younger woman is more dominant, but Naomi still dominates when she wants to (especially in bed). Episode 7 is definitely my favourite and we all know why.
I guess after watching these relationships and realising that women who are much older than me, probably even twice my age right now are so fucking beautiful. I’ve always had a liking towards people with a mature thinking, because I know I have a mature thinking and I need someone who can get on my level at the very least. Of course, fun is important but I really like deep conversations and I wanna keep learning from my other half rather than myself having to always be the serious person. Basically I want a dominant person who initiates the romance and seduction because I’m too chicken for that. But then I also want that person to be submissive at times for me to be dominant. Like, kiss me, hold me and tell me what to do, then let me take over for a bit, and now you can have the reins back. Damn, I kinda understand why I’m bisexual now.
Back to my real life situation, let’s call my crush Y. I’m not sure how old she is, but I’m guessing she’s about 15 – 20 years my senior. I have a feeling she’s not married, because she doesn’t have a ring on the finger, but I could be wrong because some people don’t wear wedding rings. She is in a pretty senior position in my company where she’s a head of a department but sadly I don’t really do much work that coincides with hers. And she’s got a smile that would stop me in my tracks.
So last week, my company had a teambuilding event and in this session both Y and I were there for 3 days and 2 nights (thank you heavens above!). Now, nothing interesting happened despite my wildest fantasies, but I did get to stare at her (discreetly) all day. Everytime we passed by each other, she’d smile at me and I’d smile back. Though my stupid brain would think it was a great idea to play it cool instead and I think I might have just smiled oddly and quickly run away. So I hope I’m not too weird in her eyes. The final night’s dinner, we sat right across each other at a round table and that was definitely my peak so far. Dinner has never tasted so good. Across the weekend, I barely spoke to her. It was always with a group of people and at one point it was a little weird and cringe-y, goddammit. But at least, now she definitely noticed me. I just hope it’s a positive thought.
The realist in me knows that I could never have Y the way I want to and for her to feel the way I feel about her. But the dreamer in me will hang onto any hope there is. Like Hayley Kiyoko says, “At least I got you in my head…” 🌈